Teachers

Hogmanny-Hog-Mahomm (Mrs.)

Teaches Vegetables
It is said that she speaks over 300 different vegetable languages.
Has translated the full Harry Potter series in to many of these languages, the first one being Karrotsch (the language most carrots speak).
She is also famous for having grown Carrot 27b, the world’s largest carrot.

Little Harriet Hogmanny-Hog-Mahomm grew up on a vegetable farm. Her one mom was a very famous lettuce grower. Her other mom was a very famous potato grower. From an early age, Harriet was interested in carrots.

She had some successes in early years, but had the continued problem of “pop-out”. As you well know, “pop-out” happens when you have a particularly large vegetable that pops out of the ground as you’re watering it, and traps you on top of it. “Pop-out” is ok with potatoes or pumpkins, because if you’re trapped atop a huge one, you can just slide off the sides. But carrots are much taller vegetables, and the edges can be like a cliff. Harriet solved the problem by always carrying a long rope in her backpack when watering.

Harriet found vegetable language classes so easy that during them she would create new vegetables through a hybrid modification process. You might not know it, but it was she who invented the caulicumber, the pumptato and the asparaflower.

Grodzinski (Mr.)

Teaches Physical Education/Wobble Ball
Current wobble ball World Champion. Rumored that he is totally bald but wears a wig, and has a tattoo of a dancing aardvark on the top of his head.
Cries very easily.

Gavin Grodzinski has loved all ball-sports since he was very small. He’s actually invented several of them. Most of them also involve his older brother, Gerald.

When he was 4 he invented throw-the-ball-at-Gerald-to-annoy-him. When he was 5 he invented continue-throwing-the-ball-at-Gerald-to-continue-annoying-him. When he was 6 he invented bounce-a-ball-against-the-fridge-to-annoy-Gerald. When he was 7, out of necessity, he invented bounce-a-ball-against-the-fridge-to-annoy-Gerald-but-only-when-your-mom-goes-out.

When he was 8 he invented bounce-the-ball-so-much-that-Gerald-starts-going-crazy. When he was 9 he invented throw-the-ball-onto-roof-of-house-above-Gerald’s-bedroom-in-the-middle-of-the-night.

Gavin and Gerald are very close.

Darling (Mr.)

Teaches Math
Weirdly strict. Obsessed with his pinkfish, and every day, during recess, he takes them for a walk around the school yard and then usually reads them a story. He also loves to take them hiking, and to the beach.
Always wears a necktie and is believed to have over 4,000 of them in his collection.

Mr. Darling lives on the top floor of a very tall building (called Marquard Tower) which is exactly 3.3 miles from Swedhump Elementary. He walks to school every day, with his pinkfish, and always the identical routine.

The first mile is on the left hand side of the road, and on the way Mr. Darling says good morning to every tree. He has named each one and he remembers them all. They then stop for a coffee and croissant at Jean-Paul Patisserie, where Mr. Darling does his daily math quiz from the newspaper.

They then cross the road and walk the next half mile on the right hand side of the road, making sure to not step on any cracks in the sidewalk, or on shadows. If there is a long shadow that’s impossible to cross, Mr. Darling is allowed to do so by holding his breath.

They then cross back to the left hand side of the road and stop at his favourite store, Spider-Murphy’s, Purveyors of Gentlemanly Neckties and Breathmints. Every day Mr. Darling buys a new necktie for school, and puts it on in the mirror, usually to the nodding approval of both Mr. Spider and Mr. Murphy. The then purchases 13 mints, pops one into his mouth, one into the pinkfish bowl, pays, and then crosses back to the right hand side of the road for one mile.

He then cross back to the right side of the road for the final mile to Swedump Elementary. Mr. Darling makes sure, for good luck, to hold his breath as he passes under the school gates. The fish do the same. As far as we can tell.

Tadros (Mrs.)

Teaches Science
Known to spend entire weekends in the science lab, bubbling up new concoctions, and is famous for being able to make all kinds of perfumes.
Very interested in anything to do with Egypt, and once spent a year traveling up the Nile on a boat. Left-handed and very allergic to Grobsnots.

When Serenity Tadros was little she began scientific experiments in her bedroom. When she was 5 she made her first baking soda and vinegar volcano. When she was 6 she had already invented and patented 12 new types of invisible ink. By the time she was 7, she had grown one of the world’s largest crystals in her bedroom. Her parents had to remove the ceiling and floor of the upstairs room to accommodate it. Thereafter, little Serenity had a double-storey bedroom.

By the time she was 8 she was making car batteries out of carrots. By the time she was 9 she had built a wind-farm on the roof of their house that gave their entire neighbourhood free electricity forever. When she was 10 she began experimenting with magnets, and then making her own super-magnets. Even though she restricted her work to her bedroom, the electro-magnetic field she created was so strong that the local knife and scissors factory had to relocate. By the time she was 11 her experiments with chemicals had gained her regional fame.

At 12 she began a course in very advanced, advanced chemistry at the Advanced, Advanced Chemistry department at the University of Inner-Scratchford. Her private tutor was Dr. Cordelia Zeusaphone (who as you know, is world famous). From age 15 to 25 she was co-head of the Advanced, Advanced Chemistry department. At age 26 she was hired by Mrs. Rosebank.

Belch-Hick (Mrs.)

Teaches English
She’s a bit weird, and has a cat called Dog.
Lives in a weird tower on the edge of the Moremi Forest adjacent to Swedhump Elementary.

Mrs. Belch-Hick is very snobby about literature. She believes children books should not have pictures in them. The weird thing is, even though she features in the Dash Candoo books, she is really rude about them. In fact she goes out of her way to recommend people don’t read them.

After the FIRST Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“Have you read read book 1 yet? It was really awful.”

After the SECOND Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“It was the worst book I have ever read. It was BEYOND awful. And I’m an English teacher so I know this things.”

After the THIRD Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“Why are books like this even allowed?”

After the FOURTH Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“The books are bad enough, but who are the kids that actually read them. What kind of kids are they? What’s wrong with them?”

After the FIFTH Dash Candoo book came out, she had this to say:

“All five of those books should be banned. They are rubbish. TOTAL RUBBISH!”

Hogsbottom (Mr.)

Teaches Paper Airplanes
Also works part-time as an astronaut and has been to the moon twice.
Former test pilot at Triplocopter Flight Training Academy.
Always kind, friendly and calm.
Loves cheese.

James Hogsbottom kind of falls into the Total Hero classification. Nice, cool, calm, collected, friendly, charming, modest, an astronaut, a test-pilot, and a schoolteacher. What could be cooler? It seems as if his only weak spot is he’s left-handed, so he’s allergic to Grobsnots.

From an early age little James started building model aircraft. Initially radio-controlled gliders, then radio-controlled single engine craft, then radio-controlled twin engine craft. Aerodynamics and engine design were always his strong point.

When he was 6 years-old he started taking aeronautical engineering evening classes. By the time he was 9 he had a Masters degree. After that he enrolled for evening classes at the Emmarentia Academy of Aeronautical Engineering, studying under the supervision of the Chief Engineer, Professor Conley McConaUgghHH-h.

By the time he was 14, he got his PhD. His thesis paper, “Upper Swash Plate Vortex Encapsulation and Derivative Control-Rod Transmission Stabilization” achieved the school’s highest ever grade, and Professor Conley McConaUgghHH-h quotes it to this day.

Zhonst (Mrs.)

Teaches Face-Pulling
Won the World Face-Pulling Championship, which was held at the Timbuktu Zoo in 1972 (it’s true).

Maureen Zhonst comes from a long line of face-pullers.

Zayne Zhonst: Dad
Zeke Zhonst: Grandfather
Zomphys Zhonst: Great grandfather
Zeus Zhonst: Great, great, great grandfather
Zabdiel Zhonst: Great, great, great, great grandfather
Zavion Zhonst: Great, great, great, great, great grandfather
Zeppelin Zhonst: Great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather
Zora-warrohus Zhonst: Great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather

It’s important to note they were all amateurs, i.e. none of them entered the professional arena, and certainly none of them entered the World Face-Pulling Championships. She was the first member of the family to turn professional.

In the run-up to the 1972 World Face-Pulling Championship, Mrs. Zhonst actually spent a month in Uzbükkuu acclimatising to local conditions. Breathing the air, drinking the water, and just getting comfortable with the overall vibe at the zoo, which is where the competition was held. It’s this attention to detail that makes her a true professional, and of course, a World Champion.

Woodhouse (Ms.)

Teaches Art.
One of the world’s most respected jump-splodge painters.

Not only is she a world-renowned artist, Lynn Woodhouse is one of the most beloved teachers at Swedhump Elementary. She has instilled in each and every one of her pupils an appreciation that art is fun, and that when being creative, it’s ok to make a mess. In fact, it’s important to make a mess.

In her personal life she is vey neat and tidy, but when it comes to art, she doesn’t hold back. Her jump-splodge studio has won the trophy for the most chaotic classroom on campus an extraordinary seventeen times. Ms. Woodhouse is very proud of this. All seventeen trophies are actually on display in the cabinet behind her desk, but they’re impossible to see because that whole wall is totally covered in paint splashes. And splodges.

Little Lynn began jump-splodge painting when she was just 3. By accident really. She rode her tricyle over a sachet of ketchup and it exploded against the wall. When her mom saw it, she couldn’t believe it. It was a near-perfect ketchup version of the Mona Lisa. Lynn was clearly a very talented girl.

Williams (Dr.)

Teaches First Aid
Has some of the world’s most fancy medical equipment and also happens to be one of the world’s most famous ant breeders.
She has trained the worlds most famous ant choir.

When Wilheminnia Williams was 6 years old, she decided she wanted to be a doctor. When she was 7 years old she decided she also wanted to be trainer and conductor of the world’s most famous ant choir. She had achieved both these aims by the time she was 25. Clearly a very determined young lady.

From age 25-35, Dr. Williams worked part-time in an ant hospital. During her shift she’d sing to the patients and they’d sing back. Not only did this benefit their recovery (singing is always a positive thing), it also allowed her to recruit some amazing singers for choir.

Plumtree (Mr.)

Teaches Plumbing
Formerly the world’s most sought-after Royal Plumber.
We have no idea how he got that dent in the side of his head, so don’t even ask.

When little Percival Plumtree was just 2 years old, he was given a plumbing kit for his birthday. It was a simple sink installation kit, with just 112 components. Within 15 minutes he’d set it up in his bedroom and it was in perfect working order, even running the hot water faucet. The next day he was given a shower installation kit, and the same thing happened. The shower in his bedroom was now in better working order than the shower in his parent’s bathroom.

By the time he was 3, he’d set up his own sink and shower business. By the time he was 4, he moved on to full bathrooms.

By the time he was 5 he was guest-lecturer in the plumbing department at the University of Camford-Bogmarsh, and accompanying the department head, Dr. Patricia Plumstead, on field trips.

From age 6 till age 25 he was Head of Plumbing Research & Technology at Camford-Bogmarsh. At age 26 he left the academic world and set up Percival Plumtree Royal Plumbing Services. He quickly became the world’s most sought-after royal plumber. He only worked on castles and mega-mega mansions of kings and queens. He was so successful that he didn’t even bother with the castles and mansion of mere princes and princesses.

During this time he plumbed the showers of the Royal palace of Middle-Ostentia, the swimming pool of King Edmond the Gurk, the hot-tub of Queen Jezebel of South-Northern Swottolia, and the waterslide of King Boris McBoris-Boris-Swad-Widge.

At age 45, when he was about to retire, the ultimate opportunity came up. He was offered a teaching post by Mrs. Rosebank at Swedhump Elementary. An offer nobody could refuse.

Proudfoot (Mr.)

Teaches Dance
Famous for his rain-dance, which ALWAYS works. World Rain-dancing Champion in 2018 (everyone actually had to evacuate the stadium on boats because he was so effective). For health & safety reasons he is forbidden from doing his rain dance on school premises.

Little Parker Proudfoot discovered his rain-dancing aptitude totally by accident. When he was 12 he went on a family camping trip. One night, they were busy toasting marshmallows over the fire, when the marshmallow fell of the stick he was holding and landed on his foot. It was still hot and so it burnt him slightly. Parker jumped up and started dancing around on one foot in pain. The next thing it started to rain. Really hard. But no-one thought anything of it.

When he was 14 he went to his first dancing party. The moment he hit the dance floor, the rain came pouring down. Again, no-one thought anything of it. But the next party he went to, the same thing happened. And the next. From then on he was only invited to parties on the condition that he didn’t dance. It was quite a sad situation.

Then in his bedroom he started experimenting with new dances. He was trying to develop a dance that wasn’t a rain-dance. His parents were very supportive and reinforced the roof tiles and gutters on the house. Eventually he succeeded. He developed a portfolio of fantastic non-rain-dances, including the now-famous Flamingo Shuffle.

Ibis (Mr.)

Teaches Bicycle-building
World famous for having won the Tour de South-Northern Swottolia (a legendary mountain race) on an Loma-99, a bicycle he built in his bedroom.
Instrumental in setting up the online courses at the world famous Quadcycle Training Academy.

For his third birthday, Humperdermus’ parents bought him a gramster as a present. A gramster is like a hamster, but better. They also bought a gramster-wheel for the cage. Jacobius (which is what Humperdermus named him) loved his wheel. He’d run on it all day and all night. Little Humperdermus found it fascinating, and he has loved anything to do with wheels since then.

At age 4 he was building his own gramster-wheels and selling them. He used the money to invest in proper wheel-making equipment, and by age 5 he was supplying wheels to the local bicycle store. By age 6 he was building complete bicycles in his bedroom.

By age 7 he had built his first heptacycle (7-wheeled bike). By age 8 he had built his fist octocycle (8-wheeled bike) and by nine his first noncycle (9-wheeled bike). When he was 10, he built his first decicycle (10-wheeler), the prototype Ibis-99.

He was so fascinated with the 10 wheel configuration that he stuck with it. Year after year he tweaked the design, improved the drive-train, strengthened and lightened the frame, and by the time he was 18, the now world-famous Ibis-99 was ready.

Rosebank (Mrs.)

Principal of Swedhump Elementary.
She is extremely wise, patient and powerful.
She is also invisible. Because of this, nobody knows what she actually looks like.
Only one photo has ever been taken of her (see below).
It is believed that when she was young, she got stung by a large swarm of invizizzes, which explains the whole invisibility thing.

Since she was very young, Mrs. Rosebank’s life ambition has been to become one of the most powerful person on the planet. She realized that goal when she became principal of Swedhump Elementary. Nothing would stop her, not even an invizizzes swarm attack.

Married to Mr. Rosebank.

Greenacre (Ms.)

Teaches Zip-Lining
Former World Zip-Lining Champion.
When on the ground, uses a noncycle.
Never goes anywhere without Derek (her pet eel) around her neck.
Loves smarshmallows.

Ms. Greenacre’s dad was an Osteop salesman, and her mom was a Fence Inspector. One year the mom had to go on a fence inspection 5 miles into Moremi Forest. Jenny Greenacre (i.e. Ms. Greenacre), who was 7 years old, went along with her. The fence had been put there to protect a meadow of very rare plants from being eaten by a rogue herd of sweds.

Jenny and her mom used an Aardvark 66 to get there. But after a week of inspections, when it was time to leave, to their surprise, the hole-digger would not work. They would have to walk out of there. But then Jenny’s mom tripped and twisted her ankle. They could not walk. They sure were in a fix. Then Jenny had an idea. There was a lot of extra wire from the fence lying around. Why not use that wire to make a zip-line out of there? Much easier than carrying her mom.

And so that was how she got to build her first zip-line, and ride her first zip-line. The rest is history.

Wobblethorpe (Mrs.)

Teaches: Bed-Jumping
Used to own the World’s Second-Most Amazing Hotel.
Has jumped on over 32,000 beds.

Little Weronika Wobblethorpe has hotels in her blood. Her parents were both in the hotel business. She was born in a hotel and grew up in a hotel (which is where she learnt to jump on beds so well). When her little friends all had regular doll houses, she had a doll hotel. All her clothes were hotel themed and her middle name is actually Hotel. Weronika Hotel Wobblethorpe. Can you believe it?

She had a puppy called Hotel, a cat called Hotel, and three goldfish all called Hotel. Every meal she ever ate until the age of 7 was delivered by room service. Every book in her bookshelf was either about a hotel, or written in a hotel. Every now and then, but VERY rarely, she’d read one about a motel. But only without her parents’ knowledge. And she’d hide these books in the back of the shelf.

Her favourite color was…hotel! It is actually a color. It’s an off-grey mixed with a hint of more grey, and a smidgen of beige. It’s really lovely.

McYawn (Mr.)

Teaches: Really Boring Class
World’s most boring person.
We don’t want to tell you anything more about him here because it will put you to sleep.

Just kidding. We can tell you something about him.

By far Mr. McYawn’s favourite thing is being stuck in traffic. In fact, if he’s in traffic and then gets out of it, he turns around and goes back into it.

Other things he loves are:

[1] Watching walls. Especially from up close.
[2] Cleaning the classroom floor that’s already clean to see if he can make it even more clean.
[3] Looking for parking.
[4] Can’t remember.
[5] Standing in line. Especially in the post office.
[6] Slow internet connections.
[7] Sitting in waiting rooms. Often on weekends he does this, just for fun.
[8] Unnecessary, long meetings.
[9] Watching paint dry. And even better, painting stripes in two different shades of grey and watching to see which dries first.

Ozniak (Mrs.)

Teaches: History
She is so knowledgeable that people believe she is actually a time-traveller. Her recollections of historical events are almost first-hand, as if she had been there herself.
There are rumours that she had a cup of tea on top of the pyramid in Giza the day after it was finished, a cup of coffee on the Titanic, and a cup of chock-hotlit (similar to hot chocolate, but better) on the summit of Everest with Hilary and Tensing in 1953.

Mrs. Ozniak loves hot beverages. At home she has a large collection of coffee, tea and chot-hotlitt making-machines from around the world. On every trip she goes on, she returns with a new machine. She has so many in fact, that she has build a separate storage emporium in her back yard. It contains over 5,000 machines, all in perfect working order.

Since she lives right next to the school, the emporium is open to all kids and staff-members of Swedhump Elementary, and it’s a popular after-school hangout. The only condition is that if you spill anything, you have to clear it up with the tissues provided.

Grimstead (Ms.)

Teaches: Library
Former Chief Library Officer of the UNRLEAM (the United Nations Royal Library of Everything & More). For that job she had to memorise the exact locations of 32 billion and 7 books.
She has a lump on her head which sometimes throbs.

It is not known whether she was born with the lump, or whether it just emerged in later years.

Ms. Grimstead has been obsessed with lists and keeping things in order since she was very young. When she was just 4, little Ermintrude Grimstead got her first filing cabinet. She started storing all her drawings it in. When she was 5 she got her first bookshelf. When she was 6 she got 2 new bookshelves and 7 filing cabinets. For her seventh birthday her parents, who were very rich, built an extension on to their home to create more space for Ermintrude’s fast-expanding archive and library.

By the time she was 8, she had a part-time job at the local library. By the time she was 9 she was Chief Librarian. By age 10 she had already finished her high school diploma (she was an excellent student) and applied for a National Libarianship Fellowship Ship Scholarship. This scholarship pays the full 4-year tuition and all expenses for a 4-year cruise on the National Libarianship Fellowship Ship. Ms. Grimstead did not win the full scholarship but did win a place on the boat. To make up the financial shortfall, she took on various regular crew positions on the vessel, like deck-cleaning, navigation, polishing of the lifeboats, and licking the compass clean before every watch.

After 4 years of sailing, the National Libarianship Fellowship Ship came back to port, and in front of the world’s journalists, it was announced that Ms. Grimstead came top of the class, and would officially become Assistant Chief Library Officer of the UNRLEAM (the United Nations Royal Library of Everything & More).

Three years later the (left-handed) Chief Library Officer got stung by a Grobsnot and was forced into early retirement due to the severe and prolonged allergic reaction. Ms. Grimstead replaced her. Finally, the second most sought-after librarian position in the world was hers.

5 years later she was approached by Mrs. Rosebank to come and work at Swedhump Elementary’s library (for sure the most coveted librarian position on the planet), and the rest is history.

Steadyneck (Mr.)

Teaches: Potted-Plant Balancing
Potted-Plant Balancing World Champion in 1958.
VERY old.
And very nice.

It is believed that Mr. Steadyneck could be over 200 years old. But he is reluctant to discuss it.

Sylus Steadyneck grew up on a cactus farm. When he was young, he used to help his parents bring potted cacti up from the fields to the farm house for meditation circle. Sylus’ dad, Shepherd Steadyneck, believed that getting cacti to meditate made them grow better. So every evening, over 1,000 cacti were brought individually into the farm house for an hour of meditation, and then taken out again at the end. Young Sylus soon found that if he carried one in each arm, and balanced a couple on his head, the job could get done a lot quicker.

And the rest is history.

Sniffy (Mr.)

Owner of the Sniffsonian Museum.
Very ambitious.
Wants every kid on the planet to have visited the museum.

Serendippitus Sniffy has always loved collecting things.

When he was just 4 he started collecting miniature elbow-holsters. Nobody even has any idea what miniature elbow-holsters are but he has over 2,000 of them now. The collection is believed to be worth over a million dollars.

When he was 5 he started collecting saw-toothed doublodile teeth. When he was 6 he started collecting desert-quail feathers. When he was 7 he started collecting spare parts from triplocopters. The following year he embarked on an ambitious strategy of starting as many new collections as his age. So that year he started 8 new collections, which were:

[1] Marbles
[2] Ossciles
[3] Fossilized carrots
[4] Miniature bottles
[5] Grains of sand
[6] Pieces of driftwood shaped like wands
[7] Toast
[8] Vintage photos of osteops

When he was 16 he started collecting collections.
When he was 20 he started collecting collections of collections.
When he was 25, he built a building to house his collections.

And he called it The Sniffsonian.

Aqualine (Ms.)

Entrepreneur and adventurer.
Owner of Aqualinia Waterpark which neighbors the Sniffsonian Museum.

Andrea Aqualine has always loved waterslides. When she was just 3 years old she built one from the her 2nd floor bedroom down to the pool. He parents were not happy. When she was 4 she built another one that went from the roof. Her parents were still not happy. When she was 5, she entered a waterslide idea into the World Waterslide Ideas Championships and won first prize, which was a million dollars, which she invested. Her parents this time were very happy.

After graduating from high school as Valedictorian (highest academic achievements of the class) and Waterslideorium (highest waterslide achievements of the class), she won a scholarship to do a MWA (Masters in Waterslide Actualisation) at Snoddford University, probably the best waterslide institution in the nation, if not the world. She came top of her class. Upon graduation, she sold her investments (which had trebled in value), and used the money to build Aqualinia.

Gomph (Ms.)

On some days, especially if it has been raining, there appears to be a small pyramid growing out of the top of her head. Nobody is sure whether it is decorative or some kind of pointy pimple.

Ms. Gomph is a really famous swimmer and has won gold medals twice at the Olympics.
Once for the 99m elbowstroke and once for the 147m grinning-dolphin.

She is the only person to have swum the full length of the River Nile (4,132 miles) five times, and a different stroke each time:

2020 – Windmill-stroke
2019 – Snack-stroke
2018 – Sulkingduck-stroke
2017 – Confused-starfish-stroke
2016 – Cactus-balancing-stroke

Ms. Gomph lives on a large estate which boasts an Olympic-size swimming pool. She trains in it from 6-7 am before going to school, then from 6-7 pm before dinner, and then from 11pm till midnight before going to bed.

Glissicle (Ms.)

Teaches waterslide.
World Waterslide Champion (2008)
Final was held on the famously infamous slide, Spaghetti Junction.
She won by doing a Quadruple Corkscrew off the shoulder of Tube 617
(known as the Death Descent), whilst balancing a cup of tea on her head.
She spilled not a single drop. Apparently she drank the tea during the awards ceremony, and it was still warm.

Ms. Glissicle has been obsessed with waterslides since she was 5, when she built her first one in her back yard. It started off from the deck and went down into the fish pond. Her parents were very supportive.

When she was 6 she built one from the kitchen, which was on the ground floor. When she was 7 she built one from her bedroom, which was on the first floor. When she was 8 she built one from her parent’s bedroom, which was on the second floor.

When she was 9 she built one from the sauna, which was on the third floor. When she was 10 she built one from the TV room, which was on the fourth floor. When she was 11 she built one from the library, which was on the fifth floor.

When she was 12 she built one from the meditation room, which was on the sixth floor. When she was 13 she built one from the roof of the house.

When she was 14, she’d accomplished all she could in their humble house. So she left home and went on a 5-year tour, riding and studying waterslides worldwide. When she got back, she entered the professional circuit and began competing. By the time she was 20 she was in the World Top 10, and when she was 18, she won the World Championship.

Nomsa-Nomsa-Nomsa (Mr.)

Teaches hole-digging
The world’s most respected hole-digger mechanic.
Can repair a hole-digger faster than anyone.
Specialities include:
Cut-throat 64
Trenchifyer 98
Perforator 800
Aardvark 4.2D
Aardvark 66

Little Norbert Nomsa-Nomsa-Nomsa grew up on his great-great-great-great-great grandfather’s potato farm. To earn pocket money, Norman used to go into the fields and help his great-great-great-great-great dig out the potatoes.

When Norbert was 7, his great-great-great-great-great grandfather went into retirement, but gave Norbert his hand-held mechanical potato extricator as a gift. Norbert soon realised, because it was over 150 years old, the mechanical potato extricator could do with some maintenance work.

And that was when he repaired his first hole-digger.

By the time he was 8 he was repairing the more advanced hand-held kinetic diggers on the farm. By the time he was 9 he’d moved onto the hand-held electric versions, and by the time he was 12 he was comfortably working on the large vehiculated diesel versions.

Rrr-Tökk-Tökk (Mr.)

Teaches the Pause! Game.
Invented the Pause! Game and is current World Champion.
Wrote the #1 Bestselling Pauselopedia.

From a young age, Ronald Rrr-Tökk-Tökk loved inventing games. The first game he invented was drop-a-plate-and-see-if-it-breaks. His parents quickly banned the game. We’re not sure why. The second game he invented was put-your-breakfast-under-the-carpet. His mom banned it. His dad found it quite amusing. The third game he invented was fill-a-sock-with-milk-and-put-it-in-your-parents-bed. His mom found it sort-of funny but his dad was furious.

Ronald was banned from inventing new games.

But he continued in secret. Relentlessly.

And the 943rd game he invented was the Pause! game.

Homputer 44573X

Teaches cooking.
Homputer 44573X is a homputer that specialises in cooking. Its memory bank stores all receipes ever made in the history of humankind. It also knows all recipes that any human will prepare going forward for the next 25 years.

Stinson (Mr.)

Teaches Ceiling-throw, which he actually invented.
Current Ceiling-throw World Champion.
The first World Championships were held in 2019. He was the only participant, and won gold.
The second World Championships were held in 2020. Again, he was the only participant, and won gold.
Loves dancing and has a pre-competition warm-up wiggle dance which he does before every competition. If you ask him nicely, he’ll demonstrate it for you.

Ghogghh (Mr.)

Teaches Highly Irritating class
World Marble Run Champion in 2017.
Likes talking about his marble run. A lot.
Likes crocodiles.
Involved with field-testing of early models of the Annoyingometer™.

Mr. Ghogghh was a volunteer for the World Crocodile Census in 2019. The marsh he was allocated to landed up having over 2,000 crocodiles in it. He was awarded a Badge of Honor by the World Crocodile Authority, and he wears it all the time when he’s at home. He even pins it onto his pyjamas when he sleeps. He’s too scared to take it out of the house in case he loses it.

In his back yard he has a modest crocodile farm. At the last count there were 400 crocs, but quite a few escaped over the weekend so it’s around 350 now.

The living-room and bedroom of Mr. Ghogghh’s house have been converted into a massive marble-run, and he spends most evenings and weekends working on it. Because there is no room for a bed in his bedroom, he sleeps on a mattress in the bathtub.

Mr Ghogghh loves music. One band in particular. They are called The Oscillating Stovepipes and their hit song, “Hot Vibrations” is the only song he listens to, all day long, every day. Most people find the song quite annoying, but not Mr. Ghogghh. He loves it. And so do his crocodiles.

Rosebank (Mr.)

Husband of Mrs. Rosebank.
World-famous inventor and ice cream maker.
Builder of the legendary Ice Cream machine (ICM).
Has a dedicated inventor’s shed on school premises, which is OUT OF BOUNDS.
If a kid is caught near the shed, he or she will be expelled immediately.

Things Mr. Rosebank has invented or been involved with inventing:

Anti-invisibility Goggles
Concrete Tape
Flus
Conveyor belts at The Sniffsonian
Invisibility Shields
KB-15
Nose on the Noncycle
P’tonk-45
Zap-flattener

M’Punn-Dinn-Gurry (Ms.)

Teaches Annoying class
Crowned World’s Most Annoying Person (by GAMA – the Global Annoyingness Measuring Authority) back in 2007, which is why she was hired by the school.

She was involved with field-testing of early models of the Annoyingometer™.

Annoying things about her include:

[1] Constantly taps her pencil on her desk.
[2] Speaks extremely quietly.
[3] Burps the alphabet.

When she was 6 years old, little Myrtle M’Punn-Dinn-Gurry (Myrtle is her name) went on an outdoor summer camp in The Foothills. She hated everything about the camp and went out of her way to annoy everyone. But there a kid called Graham there who was more annoying to everyone than her. Little Myrtle was intrigued by this boy and his annoyingness skills, and soon developed a crush on him that never seemed to fade.

40 years later, Myrtle M’Punn-Dinn-Gurry was teaching Annoying class at Swedhump Elementary, when Mrs. Rosebank introduced a new teacher who would be taking the Highly Irritating class. He looked vaguely familiar. His name was Mr. Ghogghh. Graham Ghogghh.