This is where all new stuff goes :)

New Joke Added

We’ve added a new joke to our Jokes page.
They can all be see here!

3 New Scallywag Moves

New Almanac entries

Move 84 (Tarantula)
This is a highly effective evasive manoeuvre, particularly useful against Desert-Scallywags as they are scared of spiders. The move involves a deep grimace, spider-like screaming combined with a rapid and continued flailing the arms. The louder the scream and faster the arms flail, the more effective this move is.

Move 6,745 (Rocket Launch)
This is a highly dangerous 1-4-1-1 attack move. Often used by Desert-Scallywags. It involves building a tower with the strongest “foundation” scallywag at the bottom. 4 fighters then balance off him or her, to form the “base” of the rocket, then the two most agile of them atop of each other to form the “nose-cone”. The launch involves the top two flying off at high speed into the attack. The “base” 4 then attack and the foundation scallywag remains in place.

Move 26,941 (Sandstorm)
This is a very, very dangerous move that involves conjuring up a sandstorm. It is the favorite attack move of Desert-Scallywags since they always have a trail of sand following them. Once in formation, the scallywags raise their arms and begin a rapid repeat-chant which sounds like a mixture between a humming snail and a toad with stomach-cramps. As they do this they stretch out and sway their arms which lifts and twirls any sand in the area. It forms a mini tornado which catches anything in its path. The conjured sandstorm is impregnable and remains in place for at least 24 hours. The only known remedy is for it to be sucked up by a Full-Vacuum-Snozzle. Some hole-diggers come with inbuilt snoozes specifically for this purpose.

New Teachers Introduced

These are all the new teachers that appear in Book 4 (Thursday – Cleopatra’s Waterslide).

Mr. Rrr-Tökk-Tökk
Teaches the Pause! game.
Invented the Pause! Game and is current World Champion.
Wrote the #1 Bestselling Pauselopedia.

Ms. Glamorgan
Teaches Egyptology.
On some days, especially if it has been raining, there appears to be a small pyramid growing out of the top of her head. Nobody is sure whether it is decorative or some kind of pointy pimple.
Really famous swimmer – has won gold medals twice at the Olympics.
99m elbowstroke ad 147m grinning-dolphin.
Only person to have swum the full length of the River Nile (4,132 miles) five times, and a different stroke each time:
2020 – Windmill-stroke
2019 – Snack-stroke
2018 – Sulkingduck-stroke
2017 – Confused-starfish-stroke
2016 – Cactus-balancing-stroke

Ms. Glissicle
Teaches waterslide.
World Waterslide Champion (2008)
Final was held on the famously infamous slide, Spaghetti Junction.
She won by doing a Quadruple Corkscrew off the shoulder of Tube 617
(known as the Death Descent), whilst balancing a cup of tea on her head.
She spilled not a single drop. Apparently she drank the tea during the awards ceremony, and it was still warm.

Mr. Nomsa-Nomsa-Nomsa
Teaches hole-digging
The world’s most respected hole-digger mechanic.
Can repair a hole-digger faster than anyone.
Specialities include:
Cut-throat 64
Trenchifyer 98
Perforator 800
Aardvark 4.2D
Aardvark 66

Vibrating Cockroach of Awfulness (VCA)

New Almanac entry

VCAs can be found in any terrain and under almost any circumstances. And regrettably, they can fly. Their vibrations initially are harmless, but if allowed to continue for over 6 minutes minutes (i.e. 360 seconds), everything just starts to feel awful. Scientists are so far not able to explain it. Examples of the awfulness:
[1] If you are baking a cake and a VCA is undetected in the area, the cake will taste awful.
[2] If you go to the hairdresser and a VCA is in the vicinity, your hair will look awful.
[3] If you’re singing in a concert and VCA is somewhere in the room, you will sound awful.


New Almanac entry

How common: Moderate
Special power: Create sandstorms, desert survival
Weakness: Tend to scatter sand wherever they go
Typical group size: 7 or more
Operate alone? Never
Maximum Jump Distance: 6 feet
Cleverness: 7/10
Speed: 3/10
Agility: 5/10


New Almanac entry

A twoaster is a toaster that takes 12 slices of bread.
The numbers on the eject dial refer to height in metres. So if you set it to 12, once done, the toast will fly at least 12 metres high.
Can be useful in combat situations.

Snolly Juice

New Almanac entry

Snolly juice is the perfect accompaniment to snorridge.

Its name is actually an acronym for the ingredients.

SNO: Snow
L: Lemon juice
L: Linguini
Y: Yoghurt


New Almanac entry

Snorridge is like porridge, but better. It’s like normal porridge, but made with snow. If you don’t live in a snowy place, you can buy your own snorridge-snow-maker and have it in the kitchen. If you do live in a snowy place, better to use fresh snow.

Often accompanied by a glass of fresh snolly juice.

Most supermarkets stock snorridge, but demand would be so high if it was on a normal shelf so it’s usually tucked away on a secret shelf. If you go to the cereal section in a regular supermarket and stand right in the middle of the display and you then pull away the boxes at bellybutton level, usually that’s where the secret shelf is located.

There are seven main flavors, each named after a day of the week. If you eat the right one on the right day it will be delicious, but if you eat the wrong one, it will be awful. Saturday snorridge on a Saturday is apparently the most delicious, but Saturday snorridge on a Monday tastes particularly disgusting, and in some extreme cases might involve hospitalization.

New Comic Added

We’ve published a new comic to our comics page.
They can all be seen here.