Kitchen

Wombat Juice

Wombat juice actually has nothing to do with wombats.
The name comes from its ingredients:

Walrus milk
Octopus saliva
Mango
Beetroot
Avocado
Tomato

Blend them in any proportions then serve with ice. Delicious!

The global chain of beverage stores, iThirsty, started off as a humble wombat stand outside Rudolph Roopperalia’s house. He was a mere 8 year-old boy trying to raise money to buy batteries for his KB-15. Twenty years later he’s one of the richest people in the world, and all because of wombat juice.

On the first day of having his stand outside his house, little Rudolph sold 3 cups of wombat juice; one to his mom, one to his dad, and one to the lady from across the road, Mrs. Zartz. The next day he sold 6 cups; one to his mom, one to his dad, one to Mrs. Zartz, and 3 to passers by. The next day everyone came back for more. Mrs. Zartz bought 6 cups. The next day, a Friday, he sold 32 cups. The following day, word had spread and he sold 128 cups. The next day, Sunday, he sold over 200. He needed help so hired Mrs. Zartz to assist him. Within a week they had sold another 1,000 cups.

Rudolph’s parents knew he was onto something big, and within a few weeks they had converted the entire house into a juice factory. They all moved into the camper-van in the driveway. Within a year Rudolph had sold over 1 million cups. By the time he was 12 he was a multi-multi-multi millionaire and Mrs. Zartz was a mere millionaire.

The original iThirsty wombat stand, where it all started, is now in the Sniffsonian. If you’d like to see it, it’s in exhibit room 437f.

Walrus Milk

It’s quite dangerous milking a walrus. But worth it, because their milk is delicious. Dash has a distant relative who is friendly with the brother of a man whose best friend’s sister’s uncle’s aunt’s son’s son has a walrus farm, and so Dash is able to get supplies.

The farm, located on the southern shores of The Foothills, has a stock of over 20,000 walruses, and Dash has visited it multiple times.

A typical day on the farm involves:

[1] Waking up before sunrise and going down to the Walrus pens. The walruses sleep in huge bunk-bed pens overnight, not because there’s any danger, but because it’s more comfortable. And the more sleep a walrus gets, the better the milk.

[2] As the sun comes up, walruses start emerging from the pens, doing their trademark morning dance as they come out into the light. They then form long lines and the milking begins.

[3] By midday, everyone goes back to the main farmhouse for a huge farm lunch, where there is often singing and dancing. The walruses by this stage have moved out onto the rocks in front of the pens, and some have started bathing.

[4] Afternoons are free for all staff. They usually go watch a walrus rodeo, visit the walrus race track, or just hang out in the walrus pens. Others prefer to go bathe in the ocean, or catch some sunshine on the rocks.

[5] Evenings are big communal meals in the main farmhouse, and then everyone goes back down to the pens for the evening yodel. This involves large groups of walruses, usually 1,000-2,000 converging around communal fire-pits where the yodelling goes on till the early hours.

Happy days. Very happy days indeed.

Pizzup

Pizzup is like pizza but different.

And better.

Not only because it tastes better, but because one of the key ingredients is hover-yeast, which allows the pizzup to levitate (or float). So it can hover above a surface.

So for example if your desk is covered in stuff, you can have a pizzup without problem, because it will just hover above the clutter. Or, if you’re riding your quadcycle you can actually get a pizzup to fly alongside you for easy eating. They have been known to hover at speeds in excess of 41 miles per hour.

Disappointingly, eating a pizzup doesn’t have any effect on your own gravitational pull. Collum Ollum once tested this by eating a dozen pizzups. Big ones. It didn’t make him float, but did make him vomit. Don’t try it yourself.

Osteop Milk

It’s pretty easy to milk an osteop.
Their milk tastes better if milked with left hand.
Doctors recommend one glass daily, to be drunk between 7 and 8 am.
If you drink it after 8am you might get an upset elbow.
Milk from wild osteops tastes better than milk from domesticated osteops.

Osteop milk actually has amazing medicinal qualities. If mixed with Aardvark 4.2D axle-grease and a squeeze of lemon juice, it can actually stop hair-loss. If mixed with crushed smellephant-grass seeds, it’s an effective painkiller.

When milking an osteop, always approach from its left. Move slowly and under no circumstances sneeze. Osteops are very calm and friendly by nature, but if they get a fright, things can be very different. A man by the name of Ivan Cuthbert McPinda once sneezed whilst milking an osteop, and he was never seen again. Nobody knows what happened to him. But whatever it was, it was not good.

Humpback Consumer Products Inc. makes fantastic osteop milk stealth udder slings. These are udder-shaped sling packs with multiple teats for easy drinking. They are great for prolonged combat situations or lengthy missions.

The ILCSGM (Institute of Leopard-Crawling and other Stealth Ground Manoeuvres) founded by Leonora & Wilford Schleswig-Wompelstein offers a fantastic 2-month course in UDOMUSDC (Use and Deployment of Osteop Milk Udder Slings During Combat).

Choc-Hotlitt

Like hot chocolate, but better.

Hot-Chocolate
Taste: 8.3/10
Flavor: 9.1/10
Smell: 7.5/10
Overall: 8.3/10

Choc-Hotlitt
Taste: 10/10
Flavor: 10/10
Smell: 10/10
Overall: 10/10

To get the secret recipe of choc-hotlitt is actually quite complicated. It originated in a distant village and the only way to get the recipe is to go to the village. If you go to the village and get the recipe, and then share it, you will have bad luck. Very bad luck. So nobody shares the recipe. You have to go to the village.

111km east of Swedhump Elementary is a large range of foot-shaped hills called the Foothills. If you enter the main western valley of the Foothills, then follow the river, then turn north after three days at the fork in the path by the snodwood forest, then trek north-north-east for 2 days till the sunset coincides with a walrus-shaped rock formation to the west, and then you head east for one more day, but never deviating from the path, you’ll come across a village. In this village, go sit in the village square at dusk, and make sure to wear only red, Then, when the elders converge, approach them respectfully and ask them. Ask them for the secret recipe.

But they will not tell you, because this is the wrong village. They will give you directions to the correct village, and will even call a taxi for you.

Once you get to the correct village you’ll see a booth, usually with a line of people in front of it. If you join the line, when you get to the front, hand the little granny a fresh $10 bill (not two $5 bills or ten $1 bills) and she will give you the recipe.

Snorridge

Snorridge is like porridge, but better. It’s like normal porridge, but made with snow. If you don’t live in a snowy place, you can buy your own snorridge-snow-maker and have it in the kitchen. If you do live in a snowy place, better to use fresh snow.

Often accompanied by a glass of fresh snolly juice.

Most supermarkets stock snorridge, but demand would be so high if it was on a normal shelf so it’s usually tucked away on a secret shelf. If you go to the cereal section in a regular supermarket and stand right in the middle of the display and you then pull away the boxes at bellybutton level, usually that’s where the secret shelf is located.

There are seven main flavors, each named after a day of the week. If you eat the right one on the right day it will be delicious, but if you eat the wrong one, it will be awful. Saturday snorridge on a Saturday is apparently the most delicious, but Saturday snorridge on a Monday tastes particularly disgusting, and in some extreme cases might involve hospitalization.

Snolly Juice

Snolly juice is the perfect accompaniment to snorridge.

Its name is actually an acronym for the ingredients.

SNO: Snow
L: Lemon juice
L: Linguini
Y: Yoghurt

Snolly juice was first developed by nomadic tribes in the North-Eastern Tundra-lands, but gradually made its way down south, where it is enjoyed in many households, including Dash’s. After mixing, the tribesmen and women would carry it in ankle-mounted pouches, with straws up to their mouths. Being ankle-mounted, when they walked the juice would constantly be churned hence preventing the snow from freezing. This would also allow them free arm movement for combat, since as you know, there’s a real problem with Ice-Scallywags up there.

There is a sub-format of snolly juice that uses lasagne instead of linguine, but its use is frowned-upon by purists (also known as originalists).

Twoaster

A twoaster is a toaster that takes 12 slices of bread.
The numbers on the eject dial refer to height in metres. So if you set it to 27, once done, the toast will fly at least 27 metres high.
Can be useful in combat situations.

Developed by Rajak Industries, the twoaster is a fantastic and versatile device.

On the Model-S, the heat functionality can re recalibrated for sock drying and for toe-warming. It can be tuned to negative heat (i.e. cold) to freeze things, like bread, or toast, or even socks.

The Model-3 boasts the much-talked-about full loaf process. The way it works is as follows:
Insert a full loaf of bread into the input duct. Once the hatch is shut, press the blue button. The entire loaf then gets instantly sliced and frozen. You then programme (using the khaki button) in how many pieces of toast you want and at what frequency, and the machine does the rest.

The Model-X is even more sophisticated. It has all the functionality of the Model-3, but with an extra feature. It actually bakes the bread for you. Pour all the ingredients into the input trough, press the mauve button, then press the blue button and then the khaki button.

Armadillo Cake

Totally, totally, totally, totally, totally, totally, totally, totally, totally, totally, totally, delicious armadillo-flavored cake. Shaped like an armadillo.

Come in eight sizes:

[1] Very large
[2] Large
[3] Large medium
[4] Medium medium
[5] Small medium
[6] Small
[7] Tiny
[8] Microscopic

The last two sizes are not really worth getting, except for your ants.

Armadillo cakes are not easy to make, and we would not suggest trying at home. What happened to Roger Finkle-Finkle Hummer-Garten is a cautionary tale.

Roger Finkle-Finkle Hummer-Garten fancied himself as a level 14 cook and a level 17 baker. He actually was good, but not above level 12 in either category. Anyway, one Saturday Roger Finkle-Finkle Hummer-Garten decided he was going to bake an armadillo cake. He got all the ingredients together, but didn’t read the instructions on the bottle of the armadillo compound. As a result, he put in two drops too many. And of course you know what happens when that happens. Yep, it happened. Big time. It was actually quite unbelievable. People in that part of town still talk about it to this day.

The best Armadillo cakes are baked by JJBCI (Jezebel Jefelonius Bakeries Corporation Incorporated), and they do home deliveries. Jezebel Jefelonius herself oversees the administration of armadillo compound into every single cake that gets baked in the factory, and their safety record is impeccable.

Madagascar-Pie

Very delicious pie loved by anyone who tastes it.
Especially loved by zebra-hounds.
Invented by Mrs. Nosey-Komba, who lives on a small island in the Indianioceanio.
The recipe is actually classified (i.e. top secret). Only people on the previously-mentioned island know it. And of course, Homputer 44573X, who knows every recipe ever invented.

The Annual Madagascar-Pie-Festival is, if you can guess it, an annual Madagascar pie festival.

Main activities include:

Pie-making
Pie-eating
Pie-throwing
Pie-juggling
Jie-puggling
Pie-rolling
Pie-spinning
Pie-vibrating
Pie-licking
Lie-picking
Pie-pulverizing
Pie-painting
Pass-the-pie

Swamp Juice

Swamp juice does not actually come from a swamp. Like many of Dash’s breakfast beverages, its name is an acronym:

S: Swed milk
W: Wombat juice
A: Artichoke juice
M: Marzipan
P: Pickled cucumber

And yes, it’s delicious.

Swamp juice was invented by celebrity juice-ologost Edwina Grottswenkle. She was actually on a beetroot foraging expedition in the upper Foothills and got trapped in her tent during a snowstorm. The ingredients of what we now know as swamp juice are all that she had in her backpack. Luckily she had a mixer-mincer-shredder-liquidizer in her kit, so blended them up for an hour (as per the now-famous recipe). And luckily she also had a microwave over with her, which is what one needs to perfect the process. She warmed it up to 225 degrees (as per the now-famous recipe), then refroze it in the snow (as per the now-famous recipe), then blended it again for 4 hours (as per the now-famous recipe).

And voila, it was delicious. And a famous drink had been invented!

Deggs

Deggs are eggs laid by Desert-Quails. They are like chicken eggs, but better.

The main kinds are:
Fry deggs
Scramble deggs
Poach deggs
Hard-boil deggs

They come in 132 different flavors, activated by what kind of mood you’re in, and happens automatically. For example, if you’re in a bad mood, the degg will sense that, and become a flavor that cheers you up.

One of the best known Degg businesses is Pasternok Farms & Hatchery. Established by Vlodmorok Pasternok in 1884, the business is now run by his great, great, great, great grand-daughter, Honrietta Vlodmorokk, who is not only a famous desert-quail breeder, but also a highly-accomplished degg chef, not only with her own TV show, but her own TV channel called DeggTV (DTV). DTV shows continuous live-streaming from various cameras scattered around the farm and hatchery. Viewers can watch the quails being fed, laying actual deggs, roaming the extensive grounds, playing in the dedicated quail waterslide park (sponsored by The Aqualinia Corp.) and sleeping. Then there is extensive air time with celebrities cooking alongside Honrietta Vlodmorokk. Her most famous recipe is Deggs-a-la-masion-de-la-maison-de-la-Vlodmorokk. Unfortunately it is a secret recipe so we’re not in a position to give you any more info. Just to say, it’s totally, totally delicious.

Snodwidge-pie

Totally delicious pies.

How to make them:

[1] Get a snod-hemple sandwich.
[2] Remove the hemple, and then the snod.
[3] Liquidise the snod and boil in walrus milk for a year.
[4] Add yeast and desiccated anchovy.
[5] Bake at a temperature of 325 for 72 hours.

Mr. Darling is obsessed with snodwidge-pies, and so are his pinkfish.

The first thing he does every Saturday morning is take a walk to Mr. Crusty, the closest snodwidge-pie bakery to where he lives. He orders the same thing (a size 4 pie and a cup of hoffee) and sits at the same table (table 27), and performs the same ritual.

[1] Cuts off 1/27th of the pie and feeds it to the fish
[2] Takes a sip of hoffee
[3] Takes 3 bites of the pie
[4] Takes another sip of hoffee
[5] Takes another 3 bites of the pie
[6] Takes another sip of hoffee
[7] Takes another 3 bites of the pie
[8] Takes another sip of hoffee
[9] Takes another 3 bites of the pie
[10] Takes another sip of hoffee
[11] Takes another 3 bites of the pie
[12] Wipes his moustache with his napkin

He then goes home.

Snorringe-juice

Snorringe-juice is like orange juice, but better. Have you ever heard someone say “Nothing rhymes with orange!”? We’ll they’re wrong. Snorringe rhymes with orange.

Snorringes are the same as oranges in all respects, except they are square. And more juicy. And they grow on snorringe trees. Obviously.

Benefits of snorringes over oranges include:

[1] Easier to pack
[2] Easier to transport
[3] More fun to to play with

The Snorringe Stacking World Championship is actually a thing. The aim is to see how many snorringes you can stack upon each other. The record is 437, held by Eggberry Bloemfontein in 2004.

Em-fleffle

Em-fleffle is a delicious kind of breakfast. Possibly the world’s best.

Preparation Instructions: Mix the em with the fleffle directly in a bowl and stir 200 times clockwise. The add a pinch of salt and then stir 200 times counter-clockwise. Then place the batter in a vacuum-sealed titanium capsule, and bury it at a depth of 2 feet for 999 days. Remove it on the 1000th day, before breakfast. Fry it up and serve immediately. Delicious!

Note: If you dig up the capsule on the wrong day it will spoil.