Fieldguide – Trees & Plants

Carrot 27b

Famous for being the world’s largest carrot.
Estimated to be over 18 feet long.
And it’s still growing.
Planted and grown by Mrs. Hogmanny-Hog-Mahomm, who is believed to have sung to it for over an hour every day, in its own language (Karrotsch).
Because she speaks over 300 vegetable languages, she has actually translated the full Harry Potter series into Karrotsch. Very few people know this. She read it to Carrot 27b when it was still small.

The world’s second largest carrot is Godiva the Magnificent, grown by Thorborg Vendilkráka, arch rival of Mrs. Hogmanny Hog-Mahomm. At 17 feet tall, Godiva the Magnificent poses a direct threat to World’s Largest status of carrot 27b.

Thorborg Vendilkráka takes a very different approach to carrot husbandry. He keeps Godiva the Magnificent above ground, in a CCV (Customised Carrot Vestibule). At night, Godiva the Magnificent is taken out of the CCV and sleeps bunk bed above Thorborg.

Godiva the Magnificent gets three daily massages and is taken for a walk every day after feeding time.

The World Carrot Measurement Society (WCMS) has raised questions about the technical legality of using a CCV, but to date its use has been allowed. Thorborg Vendilkráka says there’s nothing wrong with using it and that it gives Godiva the Magnificent no additional advantages.

Hammaphore Tree

Mysterious and uncommon, solitary trees that are found across the planet.
Several are known to grow in Moremi Forest next to Swedhump Elementary.
Each one is said to be over 500 years old.

The University of Scratchford documents the location of every known tree, and this information can be accessed in their secure reading room. Two forms of identification are required if you wish to gain access.

Every hammaphore tree has a secret doorway into a passage, which connects to all other hammaphore trees on the planet. This is known as the Hammaphore System. Who exactly gets access to the system is largely unknown.

The oldest known hammaphore tree is the one growing right next to Mrs. Rosebank’s office, and is physically in the exact center of the school campus. Some say it’s just a coincidence or because the tree just looks good, but others claim the positive nano-energy of this tree is what prompted educators to build the school there in the first place. The positive nano-energy hypothesis is supported by extensive research undertaken by Professor Maria Yankel-Zog-Zoglio, who is head of Hammaphore Research at the University of Inner-Scratchford.

Hammaphore tree leaves are characterised by small swirls, and taste disgusting. Hammaphore fruits are small round things that look tasty but are not. They are awful. Really awful. But you don’t need to worry about that as they are totally illegal to pick.

Smellephant Grass

Smellephant Grass is a fast-growing, tall, greeny-yellow grass that can be found on open plains, tundra and savannah. Also in suburbs. And on mountains, in valleys, near lakes and oceans. So pretty-much everywhere.

Smellephants love it because they can hide in it, it gives great shade, tickles their backs and tastes delicious.

The questions on everyone’s lips are, does smellephant grass actually smell, and if so, what does it smell of? The answers are yes, and we’re not going to tell you. Find some yourself and give it a sniff.

But we can tell you one thing. Smellephant grass makes an unbelievably annoying sound. If you get one frond, and swish it fast above your head, the sound it makes in incredibly annoying. Try it and you’ll see.

Smellephant grass has multiple uses, including:

[1] Good for making thatched roofing
[2] Great for basket-making (weaving)
[3] Compulsory as a weapon during the Smellephant-Grass-Fighting-Festival

What is the Smellephant-Grass-Fighting-Festival you might ask?

Well, it’s a festival in which people use smellephant grass to fight each other. Each combatant gets one frond of grass. They then have to walk across a narrow bridge above a pool full of swed saliva, and fight each other by swishing their fronds. They don’t actually hit each other, they just annoy each other. The sound gets so annoying that combatants actually start jumping into the pool to avoid it. The last person on the bridge wins. The prize-money is $175,000.


The language spoken by carrots.
Mrs. Hogmanny-Hog-Mahomm speaks it fluently, and has translated the entire Harry Potter series in to it.
It took her three months to learn, while living in a carrot colony in eastern Germistinia.

Some beginner words and phrases:

Hello: Nyebbih
Goodbye: Nyebbih-nyebbih
My name is Dash: Nyebboh m’hohh m’Dash
Pass the guacamole: Nyobbih n’gwukku moalee
Have you seen my ant? Nyimmi nyemmeh nyeyy m’ant?
Would you like to come to the ant festival? Nye-nye nyippi nyopp ny’antfes-tivval?
I’m hungry! Nyobboh!
The KB-15 is fully-charged: Ny’KB-15 nyulluh chulluh
Unexpect the expected: Nyo-nyobbo el Nyi-nyibbo
I love you! Nyebbih-nyibb


Smushrooms are like mushrooms.
But better.
They taste of chocolate.
They grow on the eastern fringes of the Moremi Forest.

It is possible to grow your own smushrooms at home, but none taste better than the wild ones. Go pick your own on the edges of Moremi Forest, and if you’re lucky, you might even spot a herd of smellephants. They love smushrooms.

Apart from tasting like chocolate, which is an extremely good thing, smushrooms also have a wide range of medicinal properties.

Smushroom juice is useful for:

Making mumbling people mumble less
Rectifying a bad sense of direction
Making loud people talks softer
Helping with memory loss
De-aching aching elbows
Slowing toe-nail growth
De-itching snider bites
De-itching itchy bites
Preventing hair-loss
Curing headaches
Healing wounds

Hammaphore System

The Hammaphore System is the secret underground network that connects all hammaphore trees on the planet.
Distances inside the System are much shorter than distances in the outside world. This means travel inside it is really quick and efficient. It is not yet quite understood how this actually works.

Tunnels and intersections are very well signposted, so it’s almost impossible for a Hammaphore System Traveler (known as H-travelers) to get lost.

When new hammaphore trees grow, the signposts automatically update. Lighting in the tunnels is provided by natural soil phosphorescence, so no flashlights are needed.

Who gets access to the system is a complicated and largely unknown process. Experts have been studying it for several years now, and it’s proving elusive to fully understand.

What we do know is that it tends to be open to people who are intrinsically brave, curious, and well-intentioned. If you have these personality traits, you might well find a “door” when up a hammaphore tree. But not always. So it seems like these personality pre-conditions are necessary but not sufficient. And then to complicate matters further, there are a handful of documented cases where someone ill-intentioned, i.e. someone with bad intentions, someone bad, has used the System.

Several on-going studies will hopefully share further light on how the Hammaphore System works. The one undertaken by Professor Maria Yankel-Zog-Zoglio at the University of Inner-Scratchford holds particular promise.