Sport that involves racing around a room while balancing atop a big wobbly rubber ball. Invented by Sir Stephenson Remington-Hobbes in 2012.
List of World Champions
2012: Sir Stephenson Remington-Hobbes
2013: Sir Stephenson Remington-Hobbes
2014: Sir Stephenson Remington-Hobbes
2016: Sir Stephenson Remington-Hobbes
2017: Mr. Grodzinsky
2018: Mr. Grodzinsky
2019: Mr. Grodzinsky
School-level wobble-ball races are typically 157 yards.
Olympic-level and World Championship races are 3 times that, i.e. 471 yards.
There are hundreds of different wobble-ball balls available on the market. Swedhump Elementary uses the Tumner-44. This is the same model used professionally. The elasticity coefficient of the Tumner-44 is 64.23 and the bounce-back coefficient is 87.23, with a Sharpe Ratio of 0.26 and Fellini Multiplier of 0.22.
Paper-rock-scissors-carrot-spoon-tissue-elbow is similar to Rock paper scissors (also known as ro-sham-bo).
This is a hand game played between two people, in which each player simultaneously forms one of seven shapes with an outstretched hand. It is a simultaneous, zero-sum game insofar as it has only two possible outcomes: a draw, or a win for one player and a loss for the other.
Paper beats rock beats scissor beats carrot beats spoon beats tissue (obviously) beats elbow.
The world Paper-rock-scissors-carrot-spoon-tissue-elbow champioships is one of the largest televised events on the planet, and is held annually in Wombley Staduim (the same venue in which Mr. Proudfoot won the World Rain-dancing Champion in 2018), which has a capacity of 84,000.
The event is sponsored by the following:
Paper: The Braamfontein Paper Factory
Rock: The Rondebosch Geological Society
Scissors: Rui Zhang Scissors Industries
Carrot: Mrs. Hogmanny-Hogg-Mahomm
Spoon: The International Spoon Polishing Association
Tissue: Humdinger Tissues
Elbow: The Global Elbow Appreciation Society.
Highly sophisticated and respected art-form.
Jump-splodge painting involves jumping off a cupboard onto pre-positioned paint tubes, which then shoots the paint onto a canvas or wall.
Ms. Woodhouse is probably one of the world’s most respected jump-splodge painters.
She did her apprenticeship with Professor Moira Abromo-Wittgenstein herself at the Abromo-Wittgenstein School of Art & Mathematics. Professor Abromo-Wittgenstein is one of the world’s most famous jump-splodge teachers, snd she approaches it from a mathematical perspective. She believes that the trajectory (flight-path through the air) of any splodge of paint can be mathematically defined. This implies that the perfect technique can actually be obtained by mathematical modelling. It’s actually too complicated for us to go into here. You wouldn’t understand. You really wouldn’t. And we’re not saying you’re bad at math, were’ just saying that it’s highly complicated. Nothing personal.
Anyway, during her apprenticeship, Ms. Woodhouse pioneered the screech-jump technique. This involves screaming or screeching during the jump. This allows the jumper to be a lot more relaxed during the actual jump, which results in a much more realistic form of final painting. It also scares competitors, if you happen to be participating in a jump-splodge painting competition.
The WFPC is an annual event held at the Uzbükkuu Zoo, that attracts the world’s top face-pullers, not only because of the prestige, but also because of the prize money.
1st prize = $12,000,000
2nd prize: $5,000,000
3rd prize: $12.75
List winners this century:
2000: Rodney the Ossifier
2001: Rodney the Ossifier
2002: Maureen Zhonst
2003: Shaila & Adan Gómez (tied 1st place)
2004: Cancelled due to a grobsnot infestation
2005: Heeza Nidyitt
2006: Ima Nidyitt (twin sister of Heeza)
2007: Humperdinck Swedgewidge-Holstein
2008: Wolraad Woltemaade
2009: Jezebela the Marauder
2010: Genevieve the Ossifier (cousin of Rodney the Ossifier)
2011: Humperdinck Swedgewidge-Holstein (again)
2012: Lara Leigh McFabulous
2013: Siena Rennie
2014: Mika Haberling
2015: Gabriel Tarrow
2016: Cancelled due to invizizz migration
2017: Tiaan Kloppers
2018: Maxwellian Wald
2019: Julian & Lukas Jammy (tied 1st place)
2020: Jamie el-Nagapie
The Flamingo Shuffle is World Famous Dance created and choreographed by Mr. Proudfoot.
In it, dancers mimic flamingoes. It is so effective that if done in areas that flamingoes inhabit, they might well come and join in. There was a famous incident in 2017 when a live performance at the school was unwisely held during the annual flamingo migration, and over one million birds descended on Swedhump Elementary. The show had to be cancelled and the schools was closed for a week as special cleaners needed to come in to get rid of all the droppings. Can you imagine, a million flamingo poos.
In the summer break of 2018, Mr. Proudfoot toured the country with a professional dance troupe in a flamingo-shaped bus. The bus was actually sponsored by The Aqualine Corporation (as marketing for their flamingo floaties). Several photo-shoots were done to advertise the tour, featuring Mr. Proudfoot and his troupe all on their own floaties in a pink swimming pool.
Because of the length of the flamingo-bus’ neck, they had problems with bridges and overpasses, so they often had to take a more complex route than otherwise would be possible. But apart from that, the tour was a huge success and a film of them doing the Flamingo Shuffle went viral online. In fact, it went so viral that it actually broke part of the internet, so it had to be taken down.
Towards the end of the tour, a small flock of actual flamingos started following the bus. The flock grew with each passing day. When Mrs. Rosebank heard about this, she was really worried about a repeat of 2017 (see above, when over one million birds descended on Swedhump Elementary). The flamingo bus was driven to a hangar for storage, and Mr. Proudfoot and his troupe had to finish to tour on bicycles. Flamingo-shaped bicycles, but bicycles nonetheless.
Each class at Swedhump Elementary goes on a 1 week marine trip every year. Involves travel by boat (HMS Snod-Bucket), submarine and a stay at the legendary Angel Island Hotel. Everyone looks forward to it.
The word Snofftology has unknown origins. Nobody even know what it means. How it got into the description of the marine trip is unknown. If you can shed any light on it, Mrs. Rosebank offers a $8,000 prize. But your sources need to be verified.
The week is divided into several snodules.
The compulsory snodules are:
The study of fish (ichthyology)
The study of marine plants
The study of marine mammals
The optional snodules are:
How to be annoying while snorkelling with someone
How to befriend a crab and scare people with it
Underwater laser communications
How to give someone cabin-fever
How to pretend to be sea-sick
How to get the top-bunk
Highly-competitive annual event.
List of recent champions:
1958: Mr. Steadyneck
2000: Constance Noring
2001: Oliver Sutton
2002: Eileen Dover
2003: Ben Dover
2004: Jim Nazium
2005: Barb Dwyer
2006: Mike Raffone
2007: Sheila Tack
2008: Mona Lott
2009: Anita Bath
2010: Olive Yew
2011: Hosyuh Snumplewidge
2012: Humperdinck Pinsnoffian
2013: Augustus Pinsnoffian
2014: Horatio Pinsnoffian
2015: Anna Larm
2016: Mika McLara
2017: Joshua & Theodore Godfrey
2018: Siena Rennie
2019: Gabriel Klein
2020: Eli Mockton
Triplosaults are triple somersaults.
A Grinning Triplosault is a triple somersault whilst grinning.
A Grinning Jellybeanified Triplosault is a triple somersault whilst grinning whilst eating a jellybean.
The counting goes as follows:
Somersault (single somersault)
Doublosault (double somersault)
Triplosault (triple somersault)
Quadrosault (4 somersaults)
Quintosault (5 somersaults)
Hexasault (6 somersaults)
Septasault (7 somersaults)
Octosault (8 somersaults)
Nonosault (9 somersaults)
Decosault (10 somersaults)
Nonononosault (99 somersaults)
Nonononononosault (999 somersaults)
Weirdosault (failed somersault)
Dumbersault (somersaulting into a wall – Granvil Henrikks has been known to do this)
Plumbersault (when Mr. Plumtree does a somersault)
Summersomersault (a somersault in the summer)
Wintersomersault (a somersault in the winter)
Highly social, brilliant and occasionally annoying game. First recorded occurrence of it was in ancient Hipposwotania in 467 BC. The game has been refined over generations and the rules are now codified in the Pauselopedia.
Basic rules as follows:
RULE 1: When someone shouts “Pause!”, everyone in the room has to freeze completely still, including the person who shouted “Pause!”
RULE 2: You can only move again when the shouter shouts “Play!”
RULE 3: The shouter needs to hold their breath between shouting “Pause!” and “Play!”
RULE 4: If the shouter breathes before they say “Play!”, the “Pause!” is broken and everyone can move again.
RULE 5: Each person is only allowed to shout “Pause!” once per day, and they can do it whenever they want.
In order to acquire Pause-Master certification, the candidate needs to perfect APS. This involves four main steps:
 Learning of the entire Pauselopedia off-by-heart.
 Spending 6 months in a cave on top of a mountain with a Pause Guru.
 Perfecting the Gold Star Tips of that particular Pause Guru.
 Getting through the preliminary knockout round of the Pause Game World Championships.
Mr. Rrr-Tökk-Tökk once spent three years with a Pause Guru in a small cave atop a mountain in Northern Swottolia.
Their daily routine was as follows:
6-8am: Polishing the cave
9-10am: Polishing the area around the cave
11am-12pm: Descending mountain to buy more polish
1-5 pm: Climbing back up mountain
5-7 pm: Recovering from the climb
7-8 pm: Dinner
Prizes as follows:
1st place: Gold medal + $5,000,006
2nd place: Silver medal + $2,000,006
3rd place: Bronze medal + $1,000,003
4th place: Copper medal + $100 + 5 gallons of wombat juice
5th place: No prize
6th place: Aluminium medal + a bag of carrots (nice ones)
Acronym for Find Clues, Track and Pursue.
This is not classified as an actual combat move.
Regarded as a key asset which is why it is taught as a year-1 course at most academies for stealth operatives.
The sub-modes of FiCTAP Mode are as follows:
 FiC: Find Clues. Look for clues anywhere. Be creative and think differently. Don’t accept normal as normal. Fugitives aim to trick you.
 T: Track. Follow the clues, but be prepared for them to disappear or change. Good tracking involves patience and attention to detail. Having a snack with you also helps.
 P: Pursue. Three types:
* [a] Stealth Pursuit – Your prey does not know he/she/it is being followed.
* [b] Active Live Pursuit – Your prey has spotted you.
* [c] Confidential – sorry but we can’t give any details on this as you don’t have security-clearance 56/foxtrot.
FiCTaP mode was pioneered by Leonora & Wilford Schleswig-Wompelstein through their ILCSGM (Institute of Leopard-Crawling and other Stealth Ground Manoeuvres).
Leonora pioneered the LCWTAALITA (Leopard Crawling When There are Actual Leopards in the Area) manoeuvre, as well as LCWTANALITA (Leopard Crawling When There are No Actual Leopards in the Area) manoeuvre.
Wilford pioneered the ALADTCTAD (Act Like a Duck to Confuse the Actual Ducks) manoeuvre as well as the HUTCW (Hide under the Closest Wheelbarrow) manoeuvre.
A strange and very satisfying sport that Mr. Stinson invented in 2019.
The aim of the game is to throw an object (X) as close to the ceiling as possible, without it touching. If you throw it too hard, it goes thwump and hits the ceiling. If you throw it too soft, it drops away too soon.
Object X = is usually something small like an eraser, an apricot, a marble, a heemo-globule globule or anything else similar in size.
List of World Champions
Mr. Stinson (2019) – only entrant
Mr. Stinson (2020) – only entrant
An unfortunate incident occurred at Swedhump Elementary’s staff lounge recently, when Mr. Hogsbottom challenged Mr. Ibis to a quick ceiling-throw duel. For object X, both participants selected pieces of lava from the staff lounge lava display.
Both were overexcited by the duel and threw their objects up a little too hard. Unbeknown to them, the ceiling in the staff lounge is super-thin. Both pieces of lava shot straight up into the wiring system that controls the school Snintercom Communications Network and Base Portal Interface.
The first thing that happened was the snintercom sent a signal to the school alarm system, so suddenly a huge siren started blaring, and all kids and staff ran out of all their classrooms and assembled at the emergency muster stations on the campus.
The second thing that happened was the snintercom sent a signal to the regional firefighting airborne squadron, who then deployed a swarm of firefighting triplocopters, dousing the entire campus with water. Only after an hour of continued aerial water bombardment did they realise it was all one big mistake. The playing of ceiling-throw in the staff lounge has subsequently been banned.